Knew this blog will be useful somehow. (: This will be my temporary private blog till I create another one soon, i hope.

I dont know where else to go to, where else to vent my anger on, where else to cry at/in front of and who to talk to about everything thats in my heart! Yes, I am finally alone. I PITY myself, feeing so PATHETIC! Why the hell was I born to this world in the first place? I dont want to be born to go through all this! 'That's life! Everyone will have to go through many difficult periods in their life', people may say, but NO! I dont want THIS kind of life I am having now!

Cried & Prayed everyday, everynight before i went to bed, hoping that when I woke up the next morning, everything will be fine and good, back to how it used to be! and i prayed: 'PLEASE, if this is a bad dream, please let me wake up from it!'

I dont know how much longer I can stay strong for all these trouble, misunderstanding, hatred & stuff. I HATE ALL THESE THAT IS HAPPENING NOW! WHY THE FUCK MUST IT HAPPEN THIS YEAR, THE MOST IMPORTANT YEAR OF MY LIFE?! IT'S O LEVEL FOR PETE'S SAKE! I doube I'll be able to do well for my O's this year. I think I'll screw it up instead! )':

At the start of this year, i thought in the year 2007, everything will be fine, will be better than all the previous years in my Secondary School life. Though I'll not be in the same school as Xuan anymore, wont be able to see him everyday in school anymore but still, will be a better year. But HELLO NO! I was WRONG at all! Totally wrong!

For the first few months of the year, everything was still fine. Sweet Memories I should say. The class came together, unite as one thanks to the classplay. Spent days together doing props, rehearsal, gossiping and all. Stayed back almost everyday after school till dinner time and that 'GHOST' incident I'll never ever forget! We had class dinner and it was fun and memorable! (: However, ever since the day that incident happen between me and Jim, everything has changed. well, to me. Ever since then, I have this fear in me. Nobody knows as i didnt tell anyone. i dont see a need in telling anyone about this fear i have. A fear whereby nobody will understand and know how it feels like unless they experience it like what I've experienced before. Even if i tell anyone, they'll only say: 'dont worry, nothing is going to happen' or 'dont dwell too much about it' Man, how i wish i dont dwell too much about it too but how the hell not to? Ever since that incident, I cant be myself anymore, in class practically. I can't speak my mind freely, have to think and look around me before I want to say anything in case any time bomb explode! Explosive everywhere. 1 explosive is enough for me, i dont wan a second time! Time will heal - thats what everyone believed. & Yes, I tried believing it. As days goes by, i try to forget my fear, tried being myself ike how i used to and try not to dwell too much. & i thought, after few months, I'll be able to be myself again. But time prove me wrong! HA. Time doesnt heal at all. The fear is still there and i cant be myself! & because of it, I became moody for weeks.

Not that I dont want to tell anyone about it. I prefer to keep everything to myself as it is my matter. I dont want anyone to be drag into or trouble anyone. That's my character, I cant change it. I am born to be like this, with this character. I am not the person where I'll go around blabbering and expressing how I feel, what I am thinking and all. No, thats not me. I know I am not good at words and not good at expressing myself and so the best way is to keep everything to myself in case of any misunderstandings and all. But who knows, when things have worsten & when i decided to clear those misunderstanding, they thought I'm just bull-shitting, making up a stories and all. Fine, hate me for all you want!

& regarding the Prom, welll I'm glad you all are able to make it in the end. & Hey, for pete's sake! I DID NOT gloat at all alright! I'm not like you guys, gloating people's misfortune! HA! Blame me for all you want too, as long as I know its so not my fault at all! Yes, its not Elin's fault too but still, i dont have th slightest idea why the fuck you all are blaming me?! Yes, I told Elin that you all feels weird sitting with her class but thats the truth right? & I told her that you all may want to sit with our class as some of them decided to go already. And i did told her that i dont feel like sitting with our class people just that i never tell her my reason why. I didnt tell you all that i dont feel like sitting with our class as i dont want to dampen your mood! I thought by telling her all this first in case they want to hand in the paper already, but who knows she misunderstood everything that I've said? I was shock too when she say that she took our names out, I DID NOT GLOAT damn it!

I dont see any point explaining whatever I've said here to them. They wont & they dont understand at all! They will just think that it is just another bull shit, make up stories and all! well, USE YOUR BRAINS thats all I can say. Who makes up story in how they feel and everything that is in their heart? Sometimes I have this urge to tell JiaYi everything as she may somehow understand how I feel now as she's been through what I'm going through now, but having second thought. I guess she hates me now too. Maybe for the Prom? I dont know. Should I go to Show's Concert with them? At first i thought only JiaYi will be going, but NO some of them are going too! Doubt they want me to go with them, THEY HATE ME FOR PETE'S SAKE! Should I or not?

Anyway, i want to thank Jas for all this while, being there for me, listening to all my craps, my sobbings and looking at me with my tears rolling down my cheek! though she may not see this but still, JAS THANKS SO MUCH! xD hope i've not cause any trouble/misunderstanding between you and them (:

Friday, September 14, 2007
US ; &TOGETHERFOREVER(: